“Crack Moms for Christ” and 9 Other Possible Titles for My Next Book

Feb 172013
 

I’m trying to decide the title for my next book. Please give me your feedback on the 10 following possibilities. (Note that the words “Bitch” and “Slut” are absent from all options, as is “Whore,” because I’m a grown-up, matures-ass goddam author now, fuckers.)

1. Crack Moms for Christ and Other Bad Advice from My Imaginary Friends

2. The Year of Things Happening

3. Sex with George Clooney

4. Free Booze at the Bone Garden

5. Inappropriate Conversation

6. Lovely Junk

7. How to Survive a Flaming Forklift and Other Tips for the End of the World

8. The Human Hair Trap

9. A History of Wrecks

10. Another Dead Stepfather

 

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Cover Letter: Admin. Assist. for Skagway Mountain Guide Co.

Oct 072017
 

I saw a job opening on Indeed.com for an administrative assistant for a mountain guide company in Skagway, Alaska. Here is my cover letter:

Hello.

Oh my GOD, I love Skagway, I love Alaska and this job sounds like the epicenter of all things awesome in the universe. I have a lot of administrative experience, I’m a genius at organization (my bathroom cabinet alone should be featured in magazines), I’m energetic (just today I successfully dove clear of a bus barreling through a cross walk) and a people person (which in resume speak means I’m patient with idiots). I’m also a foreign-language interpreter — I can say, “Holy Hell THAT’S A MOOSE!” in German, Spanish and English — I’m an accomplished speaker, writer, multi-platform marketing specialist, blar blar blar, all the stuff that Continue reading »

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Cover Letter: Chocolate Quality Compliance Manager

Oct 072017
 

I saw a job on Indeed.com for a Chocolate Quality and Compliance Manager for Rocky Mountain Chocolates in Durango, CO. Here is my cover letter:

Hello. First, oh my GOD, you could scan the universe like a human hair trap and not find anyone better suited to be your chocolate-quality manager than me. I have lived in Zurich, Switzerland, where the chocolate tastes like a sunrise on your tongue. And I have lived in a trailer two miles north of Tijuana, Mexico, where the chocolate tastes like it’s made from melted dump-truck tires. Suffice it to say I know good chocolate, and I know bad Continue reading »

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“I Can’t Write That!”

Oct 222009
 

One of the most common creative freak-outs I encounter from my students is their claim they can’t write what really happened to them because they’re afraid of how Continue reading »

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