Oct 122017

I saw a job on Indeed.com for a Bank Fraud Investigator for Plains Capitol Bank in Dallas, TX. Here is my cover letter:

Hello. Holy crap, I’d be the BEST bank fraud investigator EVER. I have gotten really good at spotting fraudulent banks. Until now it’s been because I deposited all my money with them, but that there just proves dedication. Take, for example, when Bank of America conveniently forgot I’d linked my checking account to my savings account for overdraft protection, then charged me $600 in overdraft fees. It took me only two months to figure that out, and when I brought it to their attention they were super apologetic about wrongfully taking my money, admitting they were at fault, blar blar blar, but they drew the line at refunding most of what they took on account of some government rule that puts a 60-day statute-of-limitations on a bank’s obligation to pay you back after they wrongfully take your money. That there is Bank Fraud if you ask me, and it would be my honor to investigate it further for you.

Another severely fraudulent Bank Fraud I keenly detected was when Wells Fargo froze my account just because I bought a bong in Amsterdam. First, I did not even know it was a bong. I thought it was just a decorative Buddha figurine, but it turns out everything you buy in Amsterdam doubles as a bong. This is probably because marijuana is legal there, as is prostitution. You can hardly walk into a common coffee-shop without seeing “Black Afghani Hash” and “Tongue Bath” on the menu. When my 15-year-old girl and I took a wrong turn and wound up in the Red Light District, I had to continually shout, “Just keep walking and don’t make eye contact!” until we made it safely to the Van Gough Museum, where I couldn’t use my debit card to buy tickets due to the aforementioned frozen account all because of a little Buddha statue that, let’s face it, even the custom’s officer who searched us at the airport couldn’t tell was actually a bong.

And even so, if I wanted to buy a bong in Amsterdam, I should be able to without my bank fraudulently profiling it as “suspicious activity.” Do you know what it’s like to find yourself suddenly penniless in Amsterdam? The flesh-trade market for middle-aged, c-sectioned, heavily sarcastic crones was insurmountably competitive, so I had no choice but to call Wells Fargo and shriek so loudly I’m pretty sure I caused avalanches in the Alps.

AND it wasn’t until last year when I realized I’d had numerous fake Wells Fargo accounts in my name opened by criminal Wells Fargo employees the whole time. Those employees didn’t even get seriously fired, they just got fake fired and then rehired five minutes later when the controversy died down. That there is fraud. See how good I was at detecting that? There’s a true need for perceptive people like me in your industry, and I commend you for searching us out. I assume my genius will be used for good, because to use my genius for bad I charge twice as much.

I’m also good at ducking punches, pretending to be awake, driving buses (probably), posing seductively atop grand pianos, amateur dentistry, being the subject of science experiments, stuffing my money into mattresses and taxidermy (also amateur). And I’m tri-lingual – I can say, “Our bank is so fraud-free, you might as well deposit your income straight into the garter belt of an aging stripper!” in three languages!

I’ll be happy to relocate even though you’re located in Dallas and I only own one gun. Dallas is not that big a step up from my neighborhood here in Atlanta, where recently some drunk lady fell off her bike and had to be helped home by nice neighbors. (Okay, that lady was me, but I live around the corner from a hipster brewery, and I’m new to hipster beer, like what the hell does “double IPA” mean and why is it so delicious?) Thank you for your consideration. I will await word of my start date.

Hollis Gillespie